Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
