When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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