if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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