I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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