If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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