im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
