I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
