Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
