You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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