i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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