Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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