Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
