I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
