Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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