Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
