The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
