White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
