shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
