I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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