He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
