got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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