I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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