I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
