My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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