Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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