The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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