Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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