The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
