There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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