I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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