I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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