Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
