I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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