I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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