I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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