You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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