Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
