Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Mom said you looked used
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
