it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he thought i was a dude.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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