On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
