okay pat passed out under dana's car
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
