He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
