dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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