My first STD was from a foam party
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i will never coherently bang her
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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