A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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