I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
