I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
