i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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