I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
