I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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