Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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