You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
