Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize