she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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