cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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