I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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