Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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