you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
