remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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