i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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