you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
