maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
