the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
