I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
