Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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