From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
