Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
