You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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