he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
