so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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