so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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