I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
