I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
this is an emotional support booty call
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
